‘I’m destined to spend the rest of my life alone.
That, or I’ll die before I’m 20.’
This was something I tweeted three years ago, & it feels like lifetimes ago. If that doesn’t show how much myself & my life has changed in due time, I don’t know what does. Reading that brought back so many emotions & so many painful memories, but if they made me who I am today, there is no reason for me to be ashamed. I’m going to take this perfect opportunity to say, it gets better. As cliche & tacky as that sounds, it’s true. It’s been three years since I’ve been in such a deep & dark state of mind. It’s been three years since I ever self-harmed, & the last time I ever will. I used to think I wouldn’t make it past my 18th birthday. I used to tell myself I was going to kill myself before I graduated high school before I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life before I had my first kiss before I was an aunt. Yet here I am, three years later. I am two weeks past my 19th birthday, I have acquired so much passion & aspiration for what I’ve decided I want to do with the rest of my life, I’ve had my first kiss, & most importantly, I am an aunt.
It gets better.
I know you hate to hear it, but it does. I am doing so much more with my life than I thought I ever would at this time. July 9th, 2013. A day that holds so much pain, but also, holds so much growth. I was truly a prisoner of this state of mind. I was constantly anxious about how others saw me. I was always thinking people thought so much worse of me than they really did. I used to think people saw me the same way I saw myself. Until you realize how beautiful you are yourself, inside & out, no one else will. Not that they never did, but you won’t realize they felt that way because you won’t believe it. Regardless it really doesn’t matter how other people feel about you, as long as you love yourself. Other people are simply accessories. Surround yourself with people that enhance your beauty & who you are, & aren’t the reason for your beauty & who you are. In other words, find people that make you a better you, not people that turn you into something you are not. As you’re growing up it’s hard to figure out if you’ve found those people, but you will find them.
Keep those people in your life forever.
There’s no way of knowing for sure that the people I have in my life now are the ones that I’ll have forever, but god I wish they are. The people I have in my life now are those people that improve me. They make me feel good about myself. They make me smile. They laugh at my dumb jokes. They’ve become so valuable to me, I really don’t want to let them go.
Two years ago I didn’t think I’d ever find people like that. That I love more than anything else. I never thought I’d be able to go to bed happy. I never thought I could be happy, but honestly, I couldn’t tell you the last time I wished I was dead. I couldn’t tell you the last time I wanted to hurt myself. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I cried myself to sleep. So I promise, it gets better.
Just give it time.
Like any good thing, it takes time & trust. So as hard as it may be, you have to trust that in time, it will get better.
p.s. thanks to all those forever people in my life. I know you know who you are.