3/10/10

Six years and six months to the day. That’s 78 months, 312 weeks, 2,384 days, 57,216 hours, and 3,432,960 minutes, 205,977,600 seconds since I’ve been in one of the darkest places I’ve ever been. On March 10th 2010 all I wanted was to end my life. I was 11 years old and I had already been in a constant struggle within myself. I had no sense of worth, I wasn’t happy with who I was, I struggled greatly with my self-image. Over time I got better, but my recovery was by no means overnight.

For at least 4 years I continued struggling with depression and self-harm. The hardest part about going through all of this, I felt completely alone. Not because I was, but I constantly isolated myself. The last thing I ever wanted to do was go out and see people. There was nothing I dreaded more than the thought of having to ‘talk about my feelings’. I felt like I was constantly being judged. I felt like I was always being told I was wrong. That’s how we’re raised. We are raised to think feeling too much is a bad thing. Don’t cry, it’s embarrassing. Don’t love too soon, you’ll get your heart broken. Don’t talk about your feelings, they’ll think you’re weak. We are raised on these values. I care. I care so much it was at one point my downfall. I tried so hard not to feel I stopped caring for myself.

I care. I care so much it was at one point my downfall. I tried so hard not to feel I stopped caring for myself. And I felt everything internally. I didn’t talk about anything because I didn’t want to be deemed as weak. Ever since I was little I feel like I’ve felt emotions on such a greater scale than some of my peers. Today I still feel these emotions like this, but over the years I have learned how to handle these emotions. It’s like a chapter book, the first time I looked at one I felt like it would be impossible to read, now I read them all the time. The world around us doesn’t change to make us feel better, we change. We learn we grow, we evolve. However we do it, we become a better us.

The last time I ever self-harmed was over three years ago. I have journals from my darkest days and reading them makes me realize, that wasn’t me. It’s crazy how much I have grown. I reflect back on those days and realize, I’m so glad I never ended my life. Year by year it seems my life is just getting better and better. Sure there are rough patches along the way, but that’s what has helped me grow.

Here’s the thing, I love the life I’m living now. Today is national suicide prevention day, so that’s why I’m sharing this. I’m stronger than ever and can’t wait to change the world.

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