Pick yourself up. This is just the beginning. Stop telling yourself you’re not good enough. Losing the boy will be nothing compared to losing the most important person to you. It may feel like there is no use in living; like trying to place a broken record on the player. Like you’re still trying to find that missing sock you lost years ago, but stop intentionally reliving the past. The hardships, the pain, they keep repeating, that’s inevitable, but what happened to you that would fall at 5 years old and pick yourself right back up? Remember that you?
Stop avoiding the truth. I don’t care how much you hate to say it but admit it you are in a darker place than you were 2 years ago. It may not seem that way, but your biggest fear is the number zero. If that’s not low, I don’t know what is. You’re still sick, and you will remain sick unless you admit the truth. Tear down the facade, you’re not fooling anyone. Go to Spanish class because the content of that class is so much more important than how many friends you have in that class. Quality is so much better than quantity.
You have so much potential, stop wasting it on a boy. Stop chasing the boys that use you and throw you away. Spoiler alert, that boy you spent so much time being head over heels for, you’ll kiss him, more than once, but you’ll also let him break your heart, more than once. When you say you miss him and he doesn’t say he misses you, that’s not a relationship; that’s the salt seeping into the already deep wounds. You can’t keep making excuses for these supposed gentlemen because a boy liking you doesn’t make you like yourself. The kiss from the boy may feel like it fills this empty feeling, but it’s a temporary fix to a permanent problem.
You’re beautiful. Stop looking at yourself and hating what you see. A complaint is not equivalent to a double tap on a picture or a star on a selfie. Look at yourself and appreciate- genuinely appreciate- who you are. If you don’t do that no one else will. Don’t look for that happiness in someone else. It won’t work. It never will. All the time you spent criticizing yourself could be spent bettering yourself.
You will learn so much more about yourself in 4 years than you have in 14. I know the thought of graduating high school makes you want to vomit. I know the last thing you want to think about is college, but you will get there. Through all of the pain and tears, you will make it. You shouldn’t be ashamed of the scars on your wrists. They’re a statement. They prove you’re a warrior, a fighter. You’ll learn that your past is your past, not your future. Use the past to change the future. Don’t hinder the future, by trying to change the past.
You made it to 19. I told you you’d make it. You thought you were so worthless. You thought you’d never make it this far. Guess what you’re doing now. You’re working and going to school. You have grown so much. You still have bad days, but they’re not bad days.
Dear 14 year old me,
You are only 14. You have so much more growing up to do. You have so much more to live for.