‘Stop. Don’t cry. Don’t let him think you care. Don’t let him see you weak.’
‘Help. I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I’m trapped in my own body. Help.’
‘I don’t want to die, but I don’t care if I do. I don’t want to live, but I don’t care if I don’t.’
‘I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to be happy. Help. I’m losing it. I’m losing it. I’m losing it!’
These are just some of the excerpts from my journals I’ve kept since I was 12. These entries range from me being 12 to the present. It’s painful to read these and relive how ii was feeling during such a dark time, but that’s one of my favorite things about writing. In the future it gives me the ability to reflect. I can reflect and realize how I’ve improved as a person. Reading these, although painful, makes me see that I’m in a far better place than I once was. It reminds me that I don’t want to slip back into that. I never want to slip back into that again. At moments I can feel myself slipping again, but I remind myself of how far I’ve come.
I think it’s important for other people to see that as well. Reflecting leads to change. Change leads to improvement. Improvement is what keeps us alive. Evolution is based on natural selection. Natural selection is based on improvement. Without the greatest and strongest surviving, a species would decline. We need to reflect and improve on ourselves.
Growth is good. Change is good. I’ve struggled with being okay with change my whole life. I still do. I want to be in control of everything I do, but that’s not possible. I want everything to work out the way I have it planned in my head, but sometimes that’s not what’s best for you.
Up close it may not seem like change is what’s best for you. It may absolutely suck while it’s happening. Regardless, you need to remember, it’s happening for a reason. You need to be okay with it.